What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck am I so fucking afraid to be better? I know what I need to do. I know it's not going to happen over night. I know it's worth it.
I still make excuses. I fucking preach all day long about how people need to be accountable and admit when they fuck up. But does it really make a difference if u know what you're doing is wrong, but keep doing it? Doesn't that make it worse?
Kodi is not in love with me. Kodi is not in love with me. Kodi is not in love with me. LET THE FUCK GO! MAINTAIN WHATEVER FUCKING SELF RESPECT AND HUMILITY YOU HAVE.
It's the drugs. Am I that fucking horrible of a person? I'm acting all morally high and mighty when I won't walk the fuck away just because I want fucking drugs?
It's over. Fineto. Kaput. Whatever the fuck I thought we had WAS NOT REAL BECAUSE IT IS NO LONGER EVEN FAKED.
Am I fucking stupid? I must be.
I have ruined my own life so many times, which is shitty, obviously. The really shitty part though, I brought three children into this world and fucked them up too. I'm selfish. Self serving. Irresponsible.
Beau, he's not mine. Never was. Luna and Kye we're. They want to be. I am perfect in their eyes. Their love is the meaning of unconditional. I took it for granted, and they should hate me.
At the same time, my love for them is the only fucking thing I know is real inside of me. I love them. So much it's impossible. So why won't I fucking do ewha I need to. Be who they need me to be?
Because I am fucked up. I'm a comfortable piece of shit.
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